(Eight Major League Baseball fans were recently selected to participate in a group therapy session. Here is what unfolded):
Dr. Michael Berkowitz, PHD: Okay everyone. Welcome to MLB fan group therapy. You have all been kicked off of Twitter for your tweets regarding your favorite teams.
Overreacting Yankees fan, you were kicked off Twitter for saying Sonny Gray should be thrown into the East River with a concrete brick tied around his ankles.
Tom Brady Worshiping New England Sports Fan, you were kicked off for your 40,000th tweet at Roger Goodell saying “You tried to destroy Tommy and failed. Super Bowl 51 was the best Superbowl ever.”
Hockey Loving Blue Jays fan, you were kicked off of Twitter for calling the players “weak,” and saying they needed more “sandpaper.”
Miserable Mets fan, you were kicked off of Twitter for threatening Overreacting Yankee fan’s life again.
Pessimistic Cubs fan, you were kicked off of Twitter for saying that the Cubs wouldn’t win the World Series for another 108 years.
Billy Beane Worshiping Athletics fan, you were kicked off of Twitter for using the terms “wRC+” and “UZR” and “FIP.”
Hippie San Francisco Giants fan, you were kicked off of Twitter for freaking everyone out and because you smell.
Casual Los Angeles Dodgers fan, you were kicked off of Twitter for looking at your phone during games.
Ok, what do you all have to say for yourselves?
Overreacting Yankees fan: I never said that Sonny Gray should be thrown into the East River. I never said that.
Tom Brady Worshiping New England sports fan: You’re a liar, Overreacting Yankees fan. You’re a bigger liar than Roger!
Pessimistic Cubs fan: You’re the liar, New England Sports Fan! Tom Brady deflated the balls. Ortiz did PEDs. Just admit it already.
New England sports fan: Sosa did PEDs! You’re the liar!
Cubs fan: McGwire was the one doing PEDs! You’re the liar!
Dr. Berkowitz: You’re both liars. And you both need help. That’s why you’re here.
Hockey loving Blue Jays fan: The Blue Jays need help. They’re weak. Byfuglien wouldn’t stand for this. They need sandpaper.
Billy Beane Worshiping Athletics fan: Actually, Toronto fan, what they need is better defense. See their UZR is –
At this point, Hockey loving Blue Jays fan got up out of his seat and charged Billy Beane Worshiping Athletics fan and beat him to death with his fists.
Dr. Berkowitz: How did that make you feel Hockey Loving Blue Jays fan?
Hockey Loving Blue Jays fan: It felt good. It felt better than Joe Carter. Wow. What a relief.
Dr. Berkowitz: It’s ok, Hockey Loving Blue Jays fan. We all hated Billy Beane Worshiping Athletics fan.
There will be another. There are many Billy Beane Worshiping Athletics Fans. All Hail The Mad King Of Oakland.
All in room: All Hail The Mad King Of Oakland.
Hockey Loving Blue Jays fan: Ah The Mad King Of Oakland. What a guy. He got us Donaldson.
Miserable Mets fan: And he got us Cespedes! Everything was miserable. Then we got Cespedes. Then all of a sudden everything was Amazing!
Billy Beane Worshiping Athletics Fan: It wasn’t because of Cespedes.
Miserable Mets Fan: You’re crazy.
Hippie San Francisco Giants Fan: Not as crazy as the Phish show the other night bro. It was so awesome. It was like in 2010 when Lincecum was like awesome and I was like Hell Yeah Bro WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Everyone was silent then for a few moments. No one knew what to say. Then …
Hippie San Francisco Giants Fan: Anybody up for food?
Casual Los Angeles Dodgers Fan: I am! I am! I know this great place like in California where like I live. It’s like so awesome. They have like kale salad. It’s like so good. Who’s Clayton Kershaw?
Overreacting Yankees Fan: Yeah who is that guy? He’s weak. Game 5 last year was so weak. If Kershaw was a Yankee, Steinbrenner never would have stood for that. He would have traded him so fast. He would have fired him so fast. Fire them all. Fire Girardi! Fire Girardi! Fire Girardi! How could he! How could he! How could he!
Miserable Mets Fan: You don’t know how good you have it.
Pessimistic Cubs Fan: Preach.
Overreacting Yankees Fan: How good? How good? Is this a joke? We haven’t won the World Series since 2009. It’s an embarrassment.
Tom Brady Worshiping New England Sports Fan: 2009? LOL. We won in 2013! Ortiz is so amazing. He never did steroids! He never did! They all lie about him! And Tommy! Our precious Tommy!
Overreacting Yankees Fan: I know how it is, Tom Brady Worshiping New England Sports Fan. They all lie about A-Rod too. Selig lied about him. He got bored one day and decided to lie about A-Rod! How could he? It’s awful.
Dr. Berkowitz: You’re both awful.
Billy Beane Worshiping Athletics Fan: Not as awful as the Athletics ERA after the trade deadline in 2014. It was pitching that was the problem. Not trading Cespedes. Stop saying that. Stop saying that. STOP SAYING THAT.
Miserable Mets Fan: It’s kind of obvious, Athletics fan. Your team was Amazing for over 2 and a half years. Then, Billy Beane traded Yoenis Cespedes. Then, the team totally fell apart. Sure, you could point to this statistic and that statistic to try to distract from the obvious. But those statistics that you point to are a RESULT of the Cespedes trade. It threw the whole team’s vibe off.
Hippie San Francisco Giants Fan: Vibes. Yeah. There was this music festival once called “The Gathering of the Vibes.” It was so Legit.
Casual Los Angeles Dodgers Fan: That sounds like fun.
Hockey Loving Toronto Blue Jays Fan: Not as fun as hockey. Not as fun as watching grown men skate around on ice skates and pummel each other to death.
Billy Beane Worshiping Athletics Fan: Not as fun as reading Five Thirty Eight. I’ve never watched a baseball game in my life.
Pessimistic Cubs Fan: Not as fun as Joe Maddon.
Miserable Mets Fan: Not as fun as 2015.
Tom Brady Worshiping New England Sports Fan: Not as fun as watching Roger Goodell have to give Brady the Super Bowl trophy at Super Bowl 51! You’re a liar Roger. You’re a no good liar!
Overreacting Yankees Fan: I had fun once. It was in 2009. The Yankees had just won the World Series. I was happy for about five seconds. Then, I was like “if we don’t win next year there’s going to be hell to pay.”
Dr. Berokwitz: This was not fun at all.
SABR Skeptic 