The Mad King Of Oakland

Date: Monday, July 30th, 2018.

Setting: the studio of a popular MLB show.  There are three panelists on the show.  The host, Brian Kenny.  And two analysts – MLB writer John Heyman and former MLB player Mike Lowell.  

Brian Kenny: Alright, we’re going to do a live look in to Oakland, where the Athletics are hosting the Blue Jays.

Toronto is four games under .500.  Josh Donaldson got off to a slow start this year, but his Super Stats have taken a leap into Super Awesomeness lately.  It is widely rumored that he is going to be traded at tomorrow’s trade deadline.

Oakland has completely fallen apart.  They played decent baseball through the month of May, but they are now 20 games below .500.  Looks like they’ll be selling again this year.  Billy Beane is so awesome, isn’t he?  He’s the real star of baseball isn’t he?  He and Jerry Dipoto and Jeff Luhnow and Andrew Friedman.  The sophisticated people.  Like me.  Buy my book!  Buy my book!

John Heyman: Lots of people bought your book Brian.

Brian Kenny: I want MORE people to buy my book.  I want to have MORE money than Eric Hosmer.  He reminds me of that guy in high school with that girl.  I hated that guy, just like I hate Eric Hosmer.

Mike Lowell: I thought you said you hated Eric Hosmer because of the data.

Brian Kenny: Right.  That’s what I meant.  The numbers.  That’s it.  That’s why me and all of the wretched, miserable, pathetic beta males in the SABRmetrics community hate Eric Hosmer and try to tear him down.  Right.

We’re objective.  Free of bias and emotion.

Ok.  Let’s take a look here.  It’s the top of the first inning.  Oakland is already down by seven runs.

Wait!  What’s this!  Not everything is bleak!  There’s The Mad King of Oakland aka Billy Beane!  He’s running out onto the field!

The Mad King of Oakland aka Billy Beane emerged then from behind a wall in the outfield.  He was wearing his finest regalia.  He ran up to Khris Davis, left fielder for the Athletics.

Beane: You may hit a lot of home runs, Khris Davis.  But there may be only one King of Oakland.  I banish you to St. Louis!

Beane ran to the infield then.  He ran right up to Jed Lowrie, second baseman for the Athletics.

Beane: Your statistics are Super Awesome, Jed Lowrie.  Your OBP is So Amazing.  Like your OPS +, DRS and UZR.  WOW.  I’m so impressed by you!  Super Player!  Super Player!  Super Duper Awesome!

back in the studio …

Kenny: He’s right about Jed Lowrie.  He’s one of the best players in baseball.  Just like Matt Chapman.  Oh, wait, what’s this?  Chapman’s numbers have absolutely cratered since RJ Anderson of CBS Sports said he “might be one of the best players in baseball” on April 16th.

Lowell: Maybe Chapman was feeling the pressure of high expectations?

Kenny: WRONG.  There is no such thing as pressure.  Or confidence.  Or momentum.  Or chemistry.  All that exists is the data.  Nothing outside of it matters at all.  The scouts know nothing at all.  NOTHING!  Fire them all.  Fill the front offices with geniuses like me!  Give us more money!  Give us more power!  Give us more glory!  We will usurp the jocks!  We will become the stars of baseball!  Everyone will bow down before us, The Intelligentsia!  We are Super Awesome NOT the players!

Heyman: You’re starting to freak me out a little bit, Brian.

Kenny: Right.  I may have gotten a bit carried away there.  Oh look!  What’s The Mad King of Oakland doing this time?

back in The Mad Fiefdom of The Mad Kingdom of The Mad King of Oakland …

Beane: And your UZR, Jed Lowrie!  Wow!

I don’t want to trade you, Jed Lowrie.  Don’t make me banish you from The Mad Fiefdom of The Mad Kingdom of The Mad King of Oakland.  Don’t make me do it!

Lowrie: Please just trade me.  You’re freaking me out.  You’re a weirdo!

Beane: Fine!  I banish you to Anaheim!

I’ll trade you Matt Olson!  I’ll trade you Matt Chapman!  I’ll trade you Sean Manaea!  I’ll trade you Daniel Mengden – I don’t give a damn about your stupid Rollie Fingers mustache!  I’ll trade you Blake Treinen!  I’ll trade you all!  I’ll banish you all from my Mad Kingdom, Oakland!

he ran up to the Blue Jays dugout then …

Beane: I’ll trade them all just like I traded you, Josh Donaldson!  I’ll trade them all just like I traded you and Cespedes and Moss and Russell and Holliday and Hudson and Healy!  Who played you in your movie, Josh Donaldson?  Brad Pitt played me in my movie!  You think you’re so special with your MVP award!  Who cares!  My movie was nominated for an Academy Award!  An Academy Award I say!  Get back to me when your movie gets nominated for an Academy Award!  I hate you!  I hate you!  I hate you!

back in the studio …

Heyman: Wow.  What an innovative strategy.

Kenny: The Mad King of Oakland aka Billy Beane is such a genius isn’t he?

Lowell: I don’t know guys.  Isn’t this kind of crazy?  I mean, this guy’s running around out there dressed up in a king suit.

Heyman: No, Mike, don’t you understand.  The Mad King of Oakland aka Billy Beane has done a tremendous job considering the Athletics’s low payroll.  They’re hamstrung by circumstances.

Lowell: Well, the Kansas City Royals have a low payroll too.  They won two consecutive American League Pennants and won The World Series Championship in 2015.  Oakland made it to the ALCS once in Beane’s entire twenty year tenure, and they lost in four games to Dave Dombrowski’s Detroit Tigers.

If the Kansas City Royals could win the championship with a low payroll, then why couldn’t the Athletics?

Don’t start that nonsense about “small sample size theater,” Brian.  You’ve been beaming with pride since the Astros won the World Series last year.  I thought you were supposed to be “objective” and “unbiased” ???

Besides, the Astros were an Old School Team last year.  Don’t you read SABR Skeptic?

The Athletics were on the cusp of winning the World Series in 2014.  Then, Beane traded Yoenis Cespedes and the team completely fell apart.  Please explain to me how that had anything, anything at all to do with payroll.

It didn’t.  Billy Beane is clearly jealous of the attention that Cespedes, Donaldson, Healy, Hudson and the rest of the players that he has exiled from his Mad Kingdom, Oakland, get from the fans.  That’s why he trades them all right as the Athletics are on the cusp of doing Big Things.  He knows that if the Athletics win the World Series, then the players will be more beloved by the fans than he is.  He trades them all away, the fans still love him, you guys still call him a “genius” – he gets all the glory anyway.

His act is so obvious.  And it’s getting old.  This should be his last year in Oakland.  That team has one of the best, most unique, most passionate fanbases in all of Major League Baseball.  They deserve better.