July 2, 2015. Jerry Dipoto, former GM of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim has resigned. He’s sitting in his car by himself in the parking lot of a Best Buy, where he was just shopping for video games.
Dipoto (to no one in particular): Mike Scioscia thinks he’s so awesome. Mike Scioscia thinks he’s so special. Mike Scioscia thinks he’s so handsome. Mike Scioscia thinks he’s The Big Kahuna. I’m The Big Kahuna! I’m The Big Kahuna!
Dipoto was screaming this at the top of his lungs. Frightened onlookers hurried past his car upon witnessing the disturbing scene.
I hate you Mike Scioscia! I hate you! You are the weak one! You are the ugly one! You are the beta male! I will destroy you, Mike Scioscia! I will destroy you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 28, 2015. Jerry Dipoto has just been named General Manager of the Seattle Mariners. He is at a press conference announcing his hiring.
Reporter: Mr. Dipoto. You were a terrible baseball player. You were a weak relief pitcher. No one likes relief pitchers. No one has any idea who relief pitchers are. You’re a bunch of anonymous interchangeable parts that no one cares about.
You made very little money in your MLB career compared to many of your peers. Are you jealous of them?
Dipoto: Throw him in the Puget Sound!
The reporter was dragged away, then.
Dipoto: Any more questions, reporters?
Reporter 2: Yes, Mr. Dipoto. Over here Mr. Dipoto! Yes, me. Mr. Dipoto, what are your ideas for how to get the Mariners into the playoffs?
Dipoto: Numbers numbers numbers! Analytics! Analytics! Super Things!
October 4, 2015. The Angels, who had been playing great baseball after the resignation of Dipoto, had just been eliminated from playoff contention. Jerry Dipoto sat in his mansion watching on his television.
Dipoto: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha I hate you Mike Scioscia hahahahahahahaha I am The Big Kahuna NOT YOU hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I win! I win! I win! I win!
October 23, 2015. Scott Servais, formerly the assistant General Manager of the Angels under Jerry Dipoto was just announced as the new manager of the Seattle Mariners. A press conference was held to announce his hiring.
Servais sat, head down, staring at the desk. Dipoto sat right next to him looking stern.
Dipoto to Servais: Alright Scott. Listen. Don’t speak unless I tell you to. Don’t move a muscle unless I tell you to. Don’t so much as flinch unless I tell you to. Do anything without my permission and I’ll give you the back of my hand again. I won’t give you an icepack this time either. Understand me little man?
Servais: Yes Jerry. Just don’t hit me again Jerry, please. My cheek is still sore from the last time you hit me Jerry.
Dipoto: Did I give you permission to speak?
Servais looked straight down at the desk then and shut his mouth. He let out a little whimper. Dipoto giggled.
Dipoto: Alright, any questions?
Reporter: Yes, Mr. Servais. What is your plan for the team Mr. Servais?
Servais: Jerry said.
Reporter 2: What?
Servais: Jerry said. Jerry said.
Reporter 3: Jerry said. Brilliant. What an innovative strategy! Mr. Dipoto must watch MLB Now!
Reporter 4: Looks like a Super Team in the making!
October 3, 2016. The season has just concluded. The Mariners won 86 games, but failed to make the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Angels won 74 games.
Jerry Dipoto is in his office. A writer from Fan Graphs is just showing up for an interview with Dipoto.
Fan Graphs guy: Mr. Dipoto? I’m here for the interview.
Dipoto: Yes weakling hello.
Fan Graphs guy: What?
Dipoto: My team won 86 games this year. How many games did your team win this year.
Fan Graphs guy: Uhhhhhhhhh ….
Dipoto: Quiet weakling. You’ll wake Jerry Said.
Dipoto pointed then to a small cage in the corner of the room. Scott Servais was asleep on the floor of the cage. Two little bowls of food and water were in the cage along with some chew toys.
Fan Graphs guy: Sorry. I forgot about Jerry Said. By the way, what an innovative strategy!
April 10, 2017. The Mariners had just blown a six run ninth inning lead to The Big Kahuna’s Angels the day before. They led 9-3 entering the 9th. They lost 10-9.
Dipoto had called Servais into his office for a sitdown meeting.
Dipoto: What happened yesterday Scott?
Servais: umm well Jerry Said.
Dipoto: What was that little man?
Servais: Jerry Said.
Dipoto then struck Servais across the face with a binder full of Excel spreadsheets.
Servais: Ow! That hurt Jerry!
Dipoto: Don’t talk back to me Jerry Said!
You know what. Don’t worry Jerry Said. Don’t worry little man. It doesn’t matter how bad our team is. It doesn’t matter how many games we lose. How many six run leads we blow in the 9th inning. The Intelligentsia will still say I’m a genius. We could lose 120 games. They’d give me Executive of the Year. The Angels could lose the World Series in 7 games this year. The Intelligentsia would still say they should trade Mike Trout. They would still say Albert Pujols is old, fat and slow. They would still say The Big Kahuna aka Mike Scioscia is awful even though he is a World Series Champion and they aren’t.
Servais: Wow Jerry. That’s awesome! You’re so smart Jerry. I wish I could be just like you Jerry!
Jerry: Shut up Scott. You’ll never be anything like me. And you know it. Bitch.
August 13, 2017. The Mariners were just about to lose their 4th game in a row at Safeco Field to the Angels in a pivotal series.
Taylor Motter and Ben Gamel, two of the Mariners players, were watching the game in the dugout when they noticed something.
Taylor Motter: Hey who is that guy sitting there by himself at the end of the bench muttering to himself?
Ben Gamel: I don’t know. I never noticed him before.
Mitch Haniger: That’s our manager, Scott Servais. He just sits there at the end of the bench all day muttering to himself “Jerry Said. Jerry Said. Jerry said” over and over and over again, just like that.
Gamel: Aw shit that’s awful. No wonder our team is about to miss the playoffs again.
October 1, 2018. The Mariners were 21 games over .500 on June 17th. Then, they lost seven games in a row to the Red Sox and Yankees. Their season spiraled out of control from there. They finished the season just 2 games over .500.
Dipoto had called Servais into his office for an end of the year meeting.
Dipoto: What the fuck happened? What the fuck?
Dipoto yelled at him like that for about 15 minutes when, all of a sudden, the pent up rage that had been simmering inside of Servais for over three years boiled over.
Servais picked the binder of Excel spreadsheets up off the desk and whacked Dipoto with the binder as hard as he could. He lunged across the desk, tackling Dipoto and proceeded to strangle him with his bare hands. He screamed while he strangled Dipoto.
Servais: These numbers are a bunch of bullshit Jerry! You don’t know a thing about baseball! Mike Scioscia is better than you Jerry. He’s better than you. Just admit it. Just admit that you’re Mike Scioscia’s bitch. Just admit it!
The guards barged into the room then and dragged Servais away. Dipoto took a minute and collected himself.
Guard: Looks like you’re going to need a new manager for next year Jerry.
Dipoto: Alright I’ll call IBM. We’ll get Watson.
SABR Skeptic 